Close Your Eyes

When my sister called me, she said, "Ya know, there's no way you can say no, right?" And she was right. How could I tell Lisa and her family that I wouldn't sing at Warren's funeral? It was the absolute last thing I wanted to do but seriously...how could I say no?

Singing was in my past life. I haven't done it for years in a setting like this. Sure, I've sang at funerals before...but not for someone I know like this. Not only was my voice not prepared, but neither was my mind. How was I going to hold it together to sing one note let alone multiple songs? But as usual...my sister conned me into it and I agreed.

Warren's wake was like nothing I've ever seen before. There were balloons and party favors along with lollipops for those who came to say goodbye. Everything had a smiley face on it. Compared to the grief that was in his home the last time I saw him, this room was full of life and energy. It was amazing to behold.

And there was Warren. It was an open casket and his once athletic body laid peacefully with a soft light shining down on him. He looked the same as he did when I saw him last...a shell of a body...but this time there was peace. There was no more suffering, no more agony, no more drugs and breathing episodes. Just peace.

Warren was finally at peace and I think his family was too. No longer would they have to watch him die minute by minute. No longer did they have to take overnight shifts without sleep. No longer did they have to keep track of when he received his last dose of morphine so he could get another dose at the exact right time. Now there was just peace.

The adjoining room was full of pictures and had a video montage running that Lisa and Jay had created. I was fine up until I saw that damn video.

Carla brought me over to watch it and handed me a tissue. My sister-in-law and brother have an amazing gift to link pictures to music and this was their finest piece to date. They broke the pictures up into categories.

During the segment dedicated to his marriage with Sheri, they played Just Breathe by Pearl Jam.

"Stay with me. Let's just breathe."

"I don't wanna hurt. There's so much in this world to make me bleed."

"Did I say that I need you? Did I say that I want you? If I didn't I'm a fool."

During the segment dedicated to his relationship with Janie, his daughter, they played Lullaby (Goodnight, my Angel) by Billy Joel. Here's where I really lost it. It started with a silent video of Janie sleeping on a boat when she was just a little girl...almost as if she were being rocked to sleep by the waves.

"I promised I would never leave you. And you should always know...wherever you may go, no matter where you are, I never will be far away."

"Goodnight, my angel now it's time to dream...and dream how wonderful your life will be. Someday your child may cry and if you sing this lullaby...then in your heart there will always be a part of me."

During the segment dedicated to "little" Warren, they played Father, Son by Peter Gabriel. I think I got up to get a full box of tissues at this point. Seeing a man so proud with his first born son...Jesus.

"I could hold back the tide...with my dad by my side."

"Looking for release from the pain."

"With his dad by his side. Got his dad by his side."

"Can you recall when you took me to school...we couldn't talk much at all. It's been so many years...now these tears...guess I'm still your child."

"With my dad by my side. With my dad by my side. Got my dad by my side...with me."

The rest of the video was a blur to me...mainly because I couldn't see through the tears at this point...but it chronicled his relationships with Lisa, his mom and dad, and his brother Paul who had previously passed away. The video was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. I was exhausted when it finally ended.

I caught a glimpse of my dad at one point during the wake. He was looking down at his hands. I can only imagine what thoughts went through his mind. It's one thing to hear about your future...it's a whole other thing to have it thrown in your face like this. There's no escaping the outcome of this disease. One day we would be back in a room like this but one person would be missing...

I pictured myself at my father's wake. I pictured the people that would be there reminiscing about his track years. I tried to imagine myself as calm as Warren's family was. I couldn't do it. I kept asking myself, "How the hell am I going to do this? There's no way."

The next morning I arrived at the funeral parlor to meet my sister. We had to go to the church to practice with the choir guy while everyone else was at the parlor for a ceremony of sorts. I told myself that I had to remove myself from the situation mentally. I had to close my eyes. I couldn't see any crying or grief...I couldn't hear it either. If I did, there'd be no way I could get through those songs.

As I waited for my sister, Warren's family arrived. I stool outside his room and looked in for just a moment. I shouldn't have done that. Sheri was standing in front of the television watching the movie of her husband all alone...until "little" Warren came up behind her and put his arm around her back. I walked away.

When the Warren's family and friends arrived at the church, they waited in the hallway until his body was brought in. I was up in the choir's balcony facing away from the door. I would not look. I stared at my sister until she said it was time to sing.

And we started...just our two voices...nothing else...Amazing Grace. I kept my eyes closed.

As the mass continued on, I kept my fingers in my ears so I couldn't hear what was being said. If I heard ANYTHING, I would crack. I kept my eyes closed until my sister would tell me that I was up.

Ave Maria. Panis Angelicus. How Great Thou Art...I sang as best I could.

The only time my eyes opened during that mass was when I had to sing and I only looked down at my music. The rest of the time with my eyes closed tight and my fingers in my ears, I tried not to think of Warren...and of my dad.

I did it.

Problem was...I never got to say goodbye to Warren. I couldn't grieve his loss because I was either grieving about my father or I was pushing them both out of my mind. I had to drive my mom home so I couldn't cry in the car with her either. I was full of sadness but couldn't get it out. I was suffocating.

Later that night, in what little privacy I have in the bathroom, I grieved the loss of Warren. I said goodbye to him as I finally allowed myself to cry...

And then I opened my eyes.