In 1999, my brother met a girl named Lisa. He hadn't dated much previously so when he brought her home, it was a big deal. We had to make sure everything was right so we didn't scare her off.
When I first met Lee (one of the two names she goes by with us) I was first struck by her eyes. Big, blue eyes that can smile all on their own. I'd never seen eyes like that before. They were captivating. They sucked you in like the cartoons where one animal's eyes are swirling and the animal looking into those eyes goes into a blank state and then gets eaten by the other animal. That's Lisa's eyes...minus cannibalism.
The second thing I noticed was her hand shake. I HATE it when a woman has a weak hand shake...like they're not confident enough to grasp another hand strongly. It drives me crazy...especially when they use just their thumb, pointer and middle finger...and it's not even the full fingers either...it's just a light touch like they're scared you're gonna ruin their manicure. Pathetic.
Not Lisa though. Damn! She could shake a hand. Strong. Firm. She even shook the hand up and down after she grabbed on. Now that's a hand shake!! I could see that my brother hadn't found himself a wall flower who was quiet and reserved like he was. This girl was strong and confident and could own a room when she entered it. If they stayed together, she'd be the one wearing the pants in the relationship for sure.
He had the good sense to snatch her up and soon there were two Lisa Gonzalez's in my family. In order to prevent any confusion, she's Lisa Beth or Lee and I'm Lisa or Lisa Marie...but it's still confusing. You call out our name and we both say, "Yeah?" And for the record, if one more person says to us, "Lisa, Lisa and the Cult Jam!" I'm gonna poke em in the eye! (How sad that some people reading this right now who are younger than me will have no idea about that reference. Ugh...I'm gettin' old) But I digress...
In the beginning of their relationship, I didn't really get to know Lisa that well. There are 14 years difference between my brother and I so he and I don't even know each other that well. What we do know about each other is that we couldn't be more different. He and I don't talk on the phone or exchange emails. It's not like we spontaneously get together for some brother and sister bonding time. It was hard to get to know his partner when I didn't even know him.
Even though I didn't know her well, Lisa was there for me during my depression in 2002 and she was there to help pull me out of it. I remember one day in particular where we all went on a trip to the zoo together. It was the first time I had smiled in a very long time.
Lisa was also there for Jackson's birth. Some of the funniest moments of that day, and believe me...there weren't that many, included Lisa. I had terrible back labor and Lisa volunteered to rub my back to help ease the pain. After I got the epidural and was waiting for it to kick in, she resumed her job. As she was rubbing my back, she was growing more and more tired and her head was bent forward right by my lower back. At this point, the epidural kicked in and I could no longer feel the lower half of my body. I couldn't tell what was going on from my chest down...and then it happened.
As my poor, unsuspecting sister-in-law was so kindly massaging my back, I literally farted right in her face. I couldn't feel it coming so there was no way I could hold it in and it was LOUD. She flew back, almost completely out of her chair, and had this look of total horror on her face. We immediately burst out in hysterical laughter...to the point where we were laughing so hard that noise was coming out but for an occasional snort or two. At some point between giggles and tears she managed to cry out, "You scared the hell out of me!!" and then we lost it again. I needed that comic relief...(I can't believe I'm putting that out there for all to read. Oh well...when you give birth, you lose your dignity so who cares?!?)
As Jackson got older, he and I would make more and more trips out to the city to see them both together or just Lisa if it was during the week. I wanted Jackson to know his aunt and uncle. It was during this time that I started to get to know her a little better. If I had to speak with my brother about something, it was Lisa who I called. She was and still is the communicator between my brother and me. If it's just Jay and I on the phone, there's awkward silence. With Lisa, there's a conversation.
What I loved most about this woman who entered our family was her personality and the way she carried herself. She had such a spark...full of life and energy...full of smiles and laughter. I realized that I liked this girl not because she was married to my brother and because I had to like her...but because she was actually really cool and fun to hang out with. Through her eyes, I began to see things differently as well. She changed how I looked at things. I began seeing things that you wouldn't normally see because of her photography. I became more observant.
But with the ability to see things, I then began to notice a difference in that smile that could once stop you dead in your tracks. The blueness of her eyes no longer seemed a bright blue like the Caribbean Ocean...but more like the dark blue before a storm. Initially it was just little things that I would see. Minuscule really. If you didn't know her beforehand, you would never catch it with your own eyes...but I could see sadness starting to fill those beautiful eyes.
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When Warren was diagnosed with ALS, life for Lisa changed. As an outsider looking in, she seemed obsessed with his diagnosis and taking care of him. It began to consume her. The changes that were once so minuscule were now more and more obvious. She lost her brother Paul years before and the idea of losing another brother was just too much. Even when she was smiling...she wasn't.
We started to see them less and less because all of their time was spent with Warren and his family...understandably so. Holidays were the toughest because there would always be the initial talk of them not coming at all and then when they did come, you could tell her heart wasn't there with us. Her body was there but the rest of her was with her brother. In response to that, Jay was always tense as well...worried about his wife.
Since this is my therapy chair, I'll be honest and admit that at first I was upset about holidays. I felt like my son was missing out on getting to know his aunt and his uncle. He wasn't experiencing Christmas like I did when I was a child...fully surrounded by family and by laughter. Suddenly, Christmas was over at 3:00 in the afternoon. I felt that my son was being cheated. I guess when you have kids, you look at holidays differently. You see the magic in their eyes and you want everything to be "perfect." After Warren's diagnosis, it never was. She just couldn't do it. She couldn't physically fake it anymore. ALS was taking her brother and it was taking her down with him.
Then my dad got diagnosed. That first night that I called them to tell them the news, they were both adamant that it was not ALS. They knew all about ALS and dad didn't have it.
When the appointment for our first trip to clinic was made, I found myself struggling internally. Lisa had become so sad and hardened by this disease that part of me didn't want her there with us. Even though she knew more about this than any one of us, I didn't know if I could emotionally handle her sadness that sometimes presented itself as what she calls "pushy." Warren's ALS and my father's ALS were so dramatically different that I wasn't sure if she could make out the difference herself. Looking back at it now, I think that I was so consumed with fear that the idea of listening to what Lisa knew or had to say meant that this was really real. Looking at Lisa was now like looking in a crystal ball for my future and that was threatening in my mind. I didn't want to see that so I shut my eyes and I looked away from her. I began to shut her out. I know...I'm a horrible person...but don't think I haven't beaten myself up for everything I've said so far.
When the appointment for our first trip to clinic was made, I found myself struggling internally. Lisa had become so sad and hardened by this disease that part of me didn't want her there with us. Even though she knew more about this than any one of us, I didn't know if I could emotionally handle her sadness that sometimes presented itself as what she calls "pushy." Warren's ALS and my father's ALS were so dramatically different that I wasn't sure if she could make out the difference herself. Looking back at it now, I think that I was so consumed with fear that the idea of listening to what Lisa knew or had to say meant that this was really real. Looking at Lisa was now like looking in a crystal ball for my future and that was threatening in my mind. I didn't want to see that so I shut my eyes and I looked away from her. I began to shut her out. I know...I'm a horrible person...but don't think I haven't beaten myself up for everything I've said so far.
As Warren's disease progressed, you could see the physical manifestations of stress taking their toll on her. As the days went on, her eyes became more and more sad. There were dark circles under her eyes and her skin...well let's just say that if I were a painter and I had to paint the face of someone who was dying inside, I'd paint their face the color of her skin. As the joy was being sucked out, so too was her color. She lost a considerable amount of weight...so much so that her pants would be falling off of her. It was extremely difficult for me to see because if I looked at her, really looked at her, I was only seeing my future....so I continued to look away.
At the end, there was no life left in Lisa. ALS had taken her brother and it took the life out of her as well. It was heartbreaking to watch. I couldn't help but think of the song The Girl With the Weight of the World in Her Hands. That was Lisa. She was not only carrying the weight of her own grief, but she was carrying the grief of her family as well. She was trying to do everything for everyone...except herself. She had the weight of the world on her shoulders and she was drowning.
After Warren passed, there was no hiding anymore. All eyes were turned on my father. We had been able to ignore his diagnosis because of Warren but now we couldn't. At first Lisa and Jay were distant...understandably so. It was too much to have to relive that all over again so soon. They came back though...and Lisa came full force.
Like she did with her brother, Lisa would take over. She was on top of everything. She would show up to my dad's house and suddenly the house was redesigned. It's like she was addicted to one drug, ran out of it and then turned to another drug to take its place. She was intense...and at first, I'll admit, I was put off by it. That isn't how I operate and I was still somewhat in denial. With Lisa, it was in your face. Boom, boom, boom! We have to do this, this and this! He needs this, that and those! She was too intense for me and I began to withdraw myself from her and my brother. In reality, I was withdrawing from everyone.
It wasn't until this Thanksgiving that I finally opened up my eyes and said, "What the f##k, Lisa? What is your problem?" And by Lisa, I meant me.
Lisa was there when my father's blood clot was found and was there when his home care needs became greater. I finally saw that what she was doing was not trying to step on people's toes or be "pushy," she was genuinely trying to help. I saw that she genuinely cared for my father...she was only trying to help. I'm an a$$hole for every thinking otherwise and I'm disgusted at how long it took me to see it.
Over the last 4 months, Lisa has been there almost as much as I have. Each time we're at an appointment, it's Lisa and I sitting there together. Each time the visiting nurse comes, it's Lisa and I sitting there across from one another. I found myself spending more time with Lisa than I did my own siblings. As she did in the beginning of our relationship, she changed the way I looked at things...in particular, at her.
They say there's always a silver lining, right? If I had to pick out the silver lining through this horrible experience, it would be Lisa Beth. The one thing this disgusting disease has done for me is bring me closer to my sister-in-law. Through all of this, I've felt that she understands me the most and understands my feelings and where I'm coming from more than either of my siblings do...more than anyone does. She's walked in my shoes. She gets it.
As my dad's disease progressed, I saw the same physical manifestations that I saw in her, in myself. When she noticed that I had lost weight, all she said was,"You've lost weight. Not eating?" "Not hungry," I said. She just nodded. She didn't lecture me...she understood me.
As my dad's disease progressed, I saw the same physical manifestations that I saw in her, in myself. When she noticed that I had lost weight, all she said was,"You've lost weight. Not eating?" "Not hungry," I said. She just nodded. She didn't lecture me...she understood me.
When I am upset or when I need to talk to someone, I find myself turning to Lisa Beth. I either call, email or text her. That has never been the case before...but now it's reality. I'm more connected to her than I am to anyone else when it comes to this experience. I don't have to apologize for anything I do or say or explain my actions...she just gets it...and I love her for that.
There are times when I feel as if I am The Girl With the Weight of the World In Her Hands. I feel pressure coming at me from every angle and I feel as if I have to be in multiple places all at the same time. I feel like I can't do enough and I feel extreme guilt. However....if I look back over my shoulder when I feel like the weight is just too heavy, I see that I am not alone. I see that there is someone there helping me to carry this load...and her name is Lisa.
xoxo, Sissy. You have no idea how much you mean to me.
There are times when I feel as if I am The Girl With the Weight of the World In Her Hands. I feel pressure coming at me from every angle and I feel as if I have to be in multiple places all at the same time. I feel like I can't do enough and I feel extreme guilt. However....if I look back over my shoulder when I feel like the weight is just too heavy, I see that I am not alone. I see that there is someone there helping me to carry this load...and her name is Lisa.
xoxo, Sissy. You have no idea how much you mean to me.
The Girl With the Weight of the World In Her Hands
Indigo Girls
She won't recover from her loses,
She's not chosen this path, but she watches who it crosses
Maybe move to the right, maybe move to the left
So we can all see her pain she wears like a banner on her chest
And we all say it's sad, and we think it's a shame
And she's called to our attention, but we do not call her name,
The girl with the weight of the world in her hands.
'Cause we're busy with our happiness, busy with our plans
I wonder if alone she wants it taken from her hands
But if things didn't keep getting harder
She might miss her sacred chance to go a consecrated martyr,
The girl with the weight of the world in her hands.
I wonder which saint that lives inside a bead
Will grant her consolation when she counts upon her need
It makes us all angry though we feign to care
But who will be the scale to weigh the cross she has to bear,
The girl with the weight of the world in her hands.
"Is the glass half full or empty?" I ask her as I fill it
She says it doesn't really matter, pretty soon you're bound to spill it
With the half logic language of the sermon she delivers
And the way she smiles so knowingly at me gives me the shivers
I pull the blanket higher when I'm finally safe at home
And she'll take a hundred with her, but she always sleeps alone,
The girl with the weight of the world in her hands.
I wonder which saint that lives inside a bead
Will grant her consolation when she counts upon her need
It makes us all angry though we feign to care
But who will be the scale to weigh the cross she has to bear,
The girl with the weight of the world in her hands.
http://www.bing.com/music/songs/search?q=the+girl+with+the+weight+of+the+world+in+her+hands&songID=97480800-0100-11DB-89CA-0019B92A3933&qpvt=the+girl+with+the+weight+of+the+world+in+her+hands&FORM=DTPMUA
http://www.bing.com/music/songs/search?q=the+girl+with+the+weight+of+the+world+in+her+hands&songID=97480800-0100-11DB-89CA-0019B92A3933&qpvt=the+girl+with+the+weight+of+the+world+in+her+hands&FORM=DTPMUA
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